Secret Service Issues Much-Needed New Standards for Elite Security Agency

By D.C. Snoopster
Daily Call (4/29/12)


Responding to recent revelations of prostitution that has rocked the Secret Service, the elite and formerly respected security agency responsible for protecting the President has issued new guidelines for agents accompanying the President on foreign and domestic trips.


While some of the new restrictions – like no drinking within 10 hours of being on duty and not permitting foreign national dancers to be in their rooms when overseas – have been released to the public, the full list of changes to the Secret Service have been kept under wraps. Fortunately the complete list of changes were found Saturday night in an agent’s left behind overnight bag at a Washington DC area Hooters Restaurant.


The following is a list of new rules for the President’s guard force:


  • No agent with less than ten years experience in the agency may be in possession of a beer bong.


  • As of this past Friday all agent firearms have been replaced with Nerf guns.


  • Between the hours of 8 p.m. and 7 a.m. the official uniform for agents will be specially made Kevlar “footie pajamas” with a tamper proof security seal on the single back zipper. Agents, the new guideline notes, are urged to avoid liquids after 5 p.m. and to use the restroom before suiting up for the night.


  • Married agents will be required at all times to wear an activated smart phone video headset activated to broadcast to a monitor in their spouse’s bedroom.


  • Federal health insurance benefits for agents no longer covers prescriptions for Viagra, though the co-pay for antibiotics has been completely eliminated.


  • Body paint colors are now limited to red, white, blue and desert camouflage.


  • Hustler” magazine is no longer part of the Secret Service training manual.


  • Agents who have Facebooked, blogged, Tweeted or moaned in their sleep any sexually related comments, thoughts or desires regarding Sarah Palin will need to report immediately to mental health professionals for a complete “fit for duty” psychiatric evaluation.


  • All agents and their supervisors need to report directly to Madge “Icy” Fitzsimmons, retired sorority house mother at Penn State University. Madge will be the only member of the President’s security force authorized to carry live ammunition with a “shoot to knock that damn thing off that idiot” order.

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