Fat Kids = Fat Profits: House Republicans Hit the School Kitchen

By D.C.Snoopster

Daily Call (11/21/11)


Courageously ignoring widespread unemployment, looming budget crisis, ever-widening income and opportunity disparity and a beyond dismal 9% congressional public approval rating, the House of Representatives have voted pizza and French fires are now federally declared school lunch vegetables.

Keeping their priorities straight, the normally comatose Republican led House of Representatives rushed the emergency dietary legislation through to completion at the behest of a leading American health research organization - the American Frozen Food Institute (AFFI).

It was also, insiders report, an unexpected bonus opportunity to find yet another way to “stick it” to President Barack Obama, whose wife, Michelle, has worked hard to increase awareness of healthy nutrition as a way to combat high rates of obesity and diabetes among American children.

I’d like to thank our sponsors in the American Frozen Food Institute for giving us this completely un-foreseen opportunity to once again gratuitously dis the president,” said House Majority Leader Rep. John Boehner, wearing a shiny new AFFI lapel pin. “This is just the kind of creative corporate sponsorship with America’s job producers my party believes in.”

AFFI corporate spokesman Georgie “Cardiac” Clemmons agreed, noting, “Pizza is the new apple pie. Our motto is ‘fat kids equals fat profit margins’.

Besides, kids straight-up love the crap. This also gives American families a much-appreciated opportunity to have even more kid to love.”

Republican strategists say their “pizza as vegetable” initiative is just the first in a series of upcoming school lunch nutrition initiatives to come. The Republican House Sub-Committee on Raking in as Much as You Can is looking at a broad range of school nutrition and child health proposals, including:


  • Given the importance of calcium in building strong bones elementary school students will be expected to lick the chalk from chalk board trays once a week.
  • School lawns will no longer be mowed. Instead, kids will be instructed on how to keep school grounds neat and tidy by recess grazing. This will not only reduce costs for maintenance and cafeteria food purchases, it will provide essential roughage for healthy digestion.
  • Clothing retailers will receive interest-free federal grants to increase their stock of extra-large, quadruple-stitched extra heavy duty canvas clothing for toddlers to teens to accommodate the expected expansion of American kids.
  • Congress is expected to pass a resolution to change the word “milk shake” to mean a “really cool physical exercise”.
  • In response to an aggressive lobbying campaign from the National Video Gaming Association a motion to replace the bald eagle with the slug as the national emblem is gathering support within the Republican House caucus.
  • The GOP leadership committee will propose plowing under First Lady Michelle Obama’s organic garden on the White House lawn and the sowing of the ground with salt.

Comments are closed.