By D.C. Snoopster
KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, Florida – Defying critics, pugnacious GOP presidential contender Newt Gingrich doubled down today on his call to establish a permanent base on the moon, saying his vision of a lunar outpost is “just the first step in a bold journey beyond earthbound conceptions”.
“What people need to understand is that Gingrich is not content to just apply his stellar intellect to problems on this planet; Gingrich has a conception of leadership extending far beyond the gravitational morass of what passes for conventional political wisdom on this little lump of rock in the void,” Gingrich told a crowd of NASA employees and Star Trek fans. “This is a small step for a politician of my caliber but a giant leap in human development.”
Bold as the lunar base may be, Gingrich noted there are eight other planets in the solar system and he has space initiatives destined for each. He outlined his plans in a dramatic multimedia presentation, complete with laser effects that accidentally blinded three NASA engineers.
The following is a planet-by-planet outline of Gingrich’s space proposal:
- Mercury – Positioned closest to the sun, the ground temperature of Mercury is hot enough to melt lead and even thaw the shriveled raisin-sized organ that serves as Rupert Murdoch’s heart. The Gingrich plan calls for a colony to house all solar energy advocates calling for a shift away from dirty fossil fuel use on Earth. “Let ‘em get a taste of some real solar heat,” Gingrich noted.
- Venus – Known for a steamy, poisonous atmosphere complete with acidic rain, the Gingrich plan calls for transferring NASA scientist and global warming expert James Hansen to a new federal atmospheric monitoring station where the world renowned scientist can, “Study some real climate change for a change.”
- Mars –Named for the ancient god of war, Gingrich has a fondness for the red planet and will be sending Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) there on a special one-way mission to set up the United States Department of Peace, which the congressman has advocated for years. “This is clear evidence of my historic willingness to go to any lengths to work with Democrats,” Gingrich noted. “Hope Dennis has some nuclear powered long-johns and a lot of bottled air.”
- Jupiter – Largest of the solar system’s planets, Jupiter is actually a massive bubble of gas and toxic chemicals, much like the former House Speaker himself. Gingrich is replacing Camp David with Jupiter, noting it is the only planet big enough to contain his wonderfulness.
- Saturn – Gingrich has commissioned a team of interstellar propulsion specialists from his sponsors at Koch Industries to devise a fleet of nuclear powered school buses to transport the entire Democratic Party to the outer rings of Saturn. “Since our education initiative calls for putting kids where they should be – mines, fields and factories – school buses are an outdated anachronism of the nanny state and will be retrofitted and launched to reduce toxic waste here on Earth,” Gingrich said.
- Uranus – “This is the perfect place – Yer-Anus, get it? - for the soon-to-be-former president Obama to retire to,” Gingrich announced, taking special delight in drawing out his scatological pronunciation of the planet’s name.
- Neptune –Far beyond eyesight in the darkened night sky, Gingrich and his advisers have decided this is the perfect place to ship poor people, blacks, Latinos, homosexuals, liberals, union workers and anyone who watches PBS, listens to National Public Radio or drinks green tea. “I’m sure they can create the kind of namby-pamby socialist Marxist-Leninist-feminist commune they have always wanted,” Gingrich noted. “They are free to do so out of my sight and off the federal dime.”
- Pluto –Decrying the downgrading of diminutive Pluto to less than planet status, Gingrich unilaterally re-declared Pluto a planet. A tiny, frozen chunk of rock and ice orbiting silently at the furthest dark reaches of the solar system, Gingrich says this is the “perfect spot” to park any last scraps of human decency, fairness and ethical standards that may be found in remote nooks and crannies of the Republican Party after the Cheney-Bush years and recent contentious primary battles