By D.C. Snoopster
Daily Call (12/11/11)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - After an unexpected upsurge of support from Forest Service fans across the country House Majority Leader Rep. Eric “Cannot” Cantor (R-Va.) has reluctantly agreed to spare Forest Service spokesmen Smokey Bear and Woodsy Owl from the budget-cutting axe, “for now”.
“Times are tough and sacrifices have to be made,” Cantor said in an unusual Saturday morning press conference at the Washington Press Club. “I mean we have tax cuts to hand out to billionaires and the hedge fund guys are pounding down the door for more exemptions and the leverage buy-out crowd needs an increase in federal subsidies because they are having a hell of a time gutting the few remaining American factories and shipping the equipment off to China fast enough.
“These guys are the job transferers and they need our help and someone has to pony up to pay the bill. Between them, Smokey Bear and that pesky Woodsy Owl guy soak up something like $50 million every ten years. That’s hard earned tax payer money we could use to give BP a rebate on some of those stupid fines they had to pay for the Gulf Coast. This is serious business and we can’t afford a bunch of cartoon freeloaders sucking from the federal teat.”
Contacted at his log cabin office near Yellowstone Park, Mr. Bear expressed relief that his position as fire prevention spokesbear for the United States Forest Service has been spared - for the moment.
“This is all part of an overall strategy to make America more competitive by eliminating any chance of employment for most working age American cartoon characters,” Rep. Cantor said.
“So, yeah, things look okay for now, but they have put me on a performance improvement plan that is, in a word - daunting,” Bear said. “Not only am I now responsible for suppressing all forest fires from coast-to-coast, they have put me in charge of food inspection at 14 poultry processing plants in New Jersey.
“I know times are tough and we all have to make sacrifices and I am willing to do my share, but I don’t know a thing about poultry beyond what I find in an old KFC bag in the dumpster out back of the Ranger Station.”
Woodsy ‘Give a Hoot - Don’t Pollute’ Owl reports a similar budget stretching expansion of his role, noting he is to now divide his time between litter clean up at all three remaining national parks and reviewing Medicare reimbursement forms for fraud at the Kansas City processing center.
“On top of that they said I may have to do a six-month stint as an aerial drone on the Af-Pak border,” Owl said, clearly rattled at the prospect of overseas military service. “I mean I didn’t sign up for that but I have three chicks in flight school and then there’s my retirement nest egg to think about.”
Things are not much better in the private sector where Hannah-Barbera cartoon star Yogi Bear said he now has to play the part of Tweety Bird as the result of a recent corporate buy-out deal that led to elimination of 14 Warner Brothers cartoon characters.
“While it’s hard for the average bear, I’m confident I can make the transition and I’ll do my part to transfer what’s left of America’s middle-class wealth to the one-percent,” the super star said from his den outside Palm Springs.
“This is all part of an overall strategy to make America more competitive by eliminating any chance of employment for most working age American cartoon characters,” Rep. Cantor said. “We are evaluating an innovative cost cutting program to facilitate letting the Bear go by sponsoring a bill for the federal government to pay Georgia Pacific top dollar to clear cut every damn tree and twig out of the country.
“No forests means no forest fires which means no need to pay to keep a bear on the federal payroll. That’s the kind of innovative problem-solving leadership Americans have come to depend upon from the Republican Party.”
Sadly, he is right.