NAPLES, Italy: Law enforcement officials throughout Italy were over-joyed at the news that notorious Mafia boss Michele “Capastorta” (“Crooked head”) Zagaria was captured by police, who literally drilled and jack-hammered their way through several feet of reinforced concrete to capture the Mafia boss in an elaborate underground bunker, 12 miles north of Naples.
Zagaria had been on Italy’s “Most Wanted” list for 16 years because of numerous charges including multiple murders, extortion, robbery and leading vast Mafia criminal enterprises across Europe.
It turns out that Zagaria’s underground bunker was just a block away from former vice-president Dick Cheney’s spacious underground vacation bunker. Zagaria, who headed the feared Camorra family Mafia operation, considered by authorities to be one of the most vicious crime families, was Mr. Cheney’s closest neighbor.
“He fit right into the neighborhood,” Zagaria said of his famous American neighbor. “To tell you the truth, he scared me a little at first. Soon after he moved in one of my boys, Nino, snatched Mr. Cheney’s “Wall Street Journal” one morning so I could check on my American bank investments. Mr.Cheney’s Blackwater guys made Nino disappear.
“After that unfortunate mis-understanding, the Camorra family and the Cheney family made peace; we got along. In fact, they came to a neighborhood pot luck at my bunker just last summer. His daughter, Liz, makes a killer clam sauce.”
Neighbors in nearby bunkers confirmed that the Cheney’s blended right in with their bunker neighbors of exiled war lords, deposed despots, ponzi scam artists, concentration camp directors, embezzlers and Wall Street hedge fund managers. Former Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan and his wife have an underground condo unit just across the street from the Cheneys.
Some of the neighbors in the upscale underground neighborhood were unwilling to talk about their famous neighbor with the press.
“It’s a nice neighborhood; everybody minds their business and why don’t you mind yours before I crush your freakin’ cheekbones,” said Cheney neighbor Tony Soprano.