By D.C. Snoopster
The Daily Call (11/27/11)
MEXICO CITY – Scientific and New Age circles alike are buzzing with excitement over a recent discovery among ancient ruins of a previously unexplored Mayan ruin site that appear to have accurately prophesied the arrival – and, some say, disappearance - of Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain.
Archeologists excavating the mysterious Hocho Khain site in a remote nook of the Yucatan Peninsula were stunned to discover a coffee table-sized intricate limestone carving depicting a series of lunar phases, tidal progressions, maze harvests, crocodile mating seasons, parrot migration patterns, a dance card of virgin assistants and recurrences of a mysterious Mayan sitcom religious ritual that, when added together, equaled the number 999.
The number is the same mysterious and unexplainable alignment of seemingly random numerals put forth by Mr. Cain as his proposed tax solution, 9-9-9.
“Our first clue there was something unique about this excavation site was what appeared to be the mis-spelling of the word “plaza” as “pizza” in an earlier analysis of stone etchings on the periphery of what had been a vast public gathering space,” said archaeologist Stanley Offbach Ph.D., of the prestigious Chicago Field Museum. “Once we found the recent numeric carving the connection to Mr. Cain was absolutely clear.
“How, from some one thousand years in the past, Mayan priests were able to accurately foretell the arrival of Mr. Cain on our contemporary political stage is unexplainable.”
Predicting both beginning and end?
But the mystery goes far beyond that, notes New Age 2012 spiritual channel Rueben Morningstarglory.
“If you take the number 999 and divide it by 24, for the hours in the day, you get 41.625 days, which is the exact length of time political pundits treated Mr. Cain as having more than a snow ball’s chance of survival in my sweat lodge of becoming the Republican candidate to take on Mr. Obama,” Morningstarglory said from his crystal quartz-line office at his “New World Peace LLC” corporate headquarters near Sedona, Arizona.
While not willing to completely buy into Morningstar’s interpretation of the amazing archeological find, stating more detailed computer analysis and cross referencing of field notes from other sites were needed, Offbach conceded “it does make one wonder”.
Reached for contact on the Mayan connection to his campaign, Cain simply replied, as he does to pretty much all media questions these days, “999, sucker!” and then ordered Secret Service agents to pepper spray the offending reporter.