By D.C. Snoopster
Daily Call (12/4/12)
ATLANTA, GEORGIA - After keeping a crowd of 300 supporters and a gaggle of press waiting some three hours Saturday to declare his intentions regarding his shaken presidential bid, Republican candidate and serial dater Herman “The Hermanator” Cain stepped to the podium declaring that after ”a lot of prayer and soul searching” he was abandoning his bid for the presidency of the United States and declaring a “Plan B” - running for the presidency of his Coral Gables, Florida “Sunset Keys” vacation condo association.
With his wife, Gloria, standing behind him, the candidate was holding a small ice pack against what appeared to be a swelling bruise above his right eye.
While characterizing a persistent cloud of news stories alleging sexual harassment and infidelity that had derailed ”Cain Train” campaign momentum in recent weeks ”false” and “unproven”, Cain said the controversy was a distraction to the “Plan A” presidential campaign but would present no problem for his “Plan B” bid for president of the condo association.
Current “Sunset Keys” condo association president Jimmy Henderson was clearly caught off-guard by Cain’s sudden shift in electoral focus.
“Frankly, he’s welcome to it - you can’t imagine a bigger headache,” Henderson said. “Let him deal with crazy Mrs. Hotchkis in Unit 6. She could give the Taliban a run for their money.”
A spokesperson for Mrs. Cain issued a statement late Saturday saying Mr. Cain would be immediately moving his campaign headquarters to the Coral Gables location to “better manage the day-to-day challenges of the campaign for this important office.”
Cain supporters were clearly disappointed by their charismatic candidate’s sudden departure from the national campaign.
Thrice-married Cain supporter Harold “Ducky” Duckworth said the controversy and questions about sexual harassment and infidelity by his favorite candidate were overblown and a “silly side show”.
“I mean, heck, he dated that one little gal and paid her money for, what, 13 years; sounds to me like the kind of commitment and loyalty this nation needs,” Duckworth noted. “Obviously, as a businessman, the fella knows how to make a long-term investment.”
“Kind of a 9-9-9 deal, if you get my drift.”
One Cain supporter, Kitty Simmons, was delighted with Cain’s new ”Plan B” campaign, noting, “I have the condo right next to Hermie’s down at ‘Sunset’. We’ve been close friends for, like, years and years and years.
“I always told him he would have my vote … forever!”
LATE-BREAKING NEWS UPDATE (DC - News) - An unconfirmed report from Palm Springs, California reports a local news reporter seeking comment about Mr. Cain’s bowing out of the Republican primary race from right wing billionaire Cain benefactor David Koch was pepper sprayed and tasered by Blackwater Security agents and flown off to an undisclosed location.