Before the Iowa Caucus Even Occurs, Gingrich Announces Ingenious Cabinet Picks
By D.C. Snoopster
Daily Call (12/21/11)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Noting the American people are destined to rally to his cause, Republican candidate Newt Gingrich took the unprecedented step of announcing his presidential cabinet at an elaborately staged press conference on the White House south lawn earlier today.
“Look, Gingrich is really smart and smart enough to know that there are enough not-so-smart people around who want a guy who says he’s smart to lead them. Gingrich says he’s smart of he is clearly the anointed one for this time in our history,” Gingrich said, speaking in that always annoying third-person voice. ”Look, it is the inspirational leader - people like Genghis Khan, Napoleon and Murdoch - who is the hub upon which the ponderous wheel of history turns. The people of America are rapidly coming to see that Newt Gingrich is just such a leader.
“Truly, the November election is a mere formality to the rise of a new dynamic, innovative and unprecedented Gingrich administration.”
Noting it was time to begin his administration and get his “team” in place Mr. Gingrich announced his entire newly “streamlined for efficiency” cabinet.
“I am appointing Newt Gingrich as Secretary of State,” Gingrich announced. “Clearly, no one has a better grasp of western history and the ever changing dynamic of international power and personalities than Newt Gingrich.”
Likewise, the candidate noted, Mr. Gingrich will lead both the Transportation and Treasury departments, explaining that his unbounded intellectual grasp of the intricate nuance of logistics. physics and international finance make Mr. Gingrich the ideal pick to lead those departments.
“Secretary of Defense is a logical post for Gingrich,” Gingrich announced. “Not since the Caesars of ancient Rome, nor Henry the Fifth at the battle of Agincourt in 1415 nor, even, Washington in the dark and snowy setting of Valley Forge in 1777 has a single leader inspired such loyalty and hope among brave men at arms than Newt Gingrich.”
Newt Gingrich will also be appointed to direct the newly renamed Department of Just-Us noting that this will streamline and facilitate the “administration and supervision of a radical re-structuring of the overly complicated judicial system.”
Elimination of the Bill of Rights, right of appeal and standing before court of anyone even hinted at of having committed a crime will, Gingrich noted, help “bring American jurisprudence into line with the kind of intellectually cogent, sane and dollar-wise approach of governing that the Gingrich administration will be known for.”
The tremendous work load will be eased by eliminating the position of Secretary of the Interior, Gingrich announced, explaining that management of all public lands has pretty much been turned over to zillionaire ranchers and the Koch brothers anyhow.
White House spokesman Jay Carney confirmed that in an effort to foster a greater sense of bipartisan cooperation, Mr. Gingrich has been invited to set up a transition office in the East Room of the White House and that Mr. Gingrich and his lovely wife Callista have already “moved their things” into the Lincoln Bedroom, which has been re-christened the Gingrich Salon.
“President Obama hopes and trusts that Mr. Gingrich and the entire Republican Party will see this hospitable gesture as an invitation to greater dialog to address our many pressing national challenges,” Carney said shortly before Mr. Gingrich hosted a White House reception for Republican heavyweight donors following the cabinet announcement.
The Gingrich campaign promptly responded to Carney’s announcement from the campaign’s new East Room office calling for “That Marxist anti-colonial Kenyan socialist Antichrist pretender to my throne to vacate the premises immediately.”
Reached for comment at a nearby Waffle House where he had taken his family for the evening so as not to interfere with Mr. Gingrich’s White House campaign event, Mr. Obama replied, “I am confident we are making progress to broaden the dialog and Americans appreciate my reasonableness.”