By D.C. Snoopster
The Daily Call (11/11/11)
MADISON – Taking a cue from recent Republican legislation to pare down sex education to “Just Say No”, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker announced today an innovative initiative to trim down the Bible.
“After 2,000 years it was finally time to reassess what was and was not working in the Bible,” Walker noted at a crowded noontime press conference. “It is time to make the Bible more efficient, cost effective and the way to do that is to make it smaller.”
Noting the economic inefficiency of Biblical teachings and passages like the Sermon on the Mount in which Jesus taught the importance of acceptance, love and caring charity for others, Walker said such teachings simply cost too much in today’s tough budget environment.
“We have to balance the budget and outdated teachings and bureaucratic moral regulations that might make rich people guilty place an unnecessary burden on corporate job producers,” Walker explained, noting. “Wisconsin is open for business, not guilt trips.”
Walker said the efficiency of the newly streamlined watch pocket sized Republican Bible was achieved by getting rid of such teachings as, “That dumb thing about it being easier for a rich guy to get through a camel’s eye than getting to heaven.
“I’ve hung out poolside with David Koch in Palm Springs. You can trust me on this; with an executive jet, the right invite and a state government credit card a rich man can find heaven on earth.”
Walker noted all “essential Biblical elements necessary to job creation” in the Badger state remain in the streamlined Bible.
“We kept in all the stuff about stoning, whipping, plague, pestilence, boils, burning lakes of fire, invasions of locusts, killing the first born and wrath of the Almighty,” Walker said, explaining that a series of focus groups with state corporate leaders concluded those Biblical teachings are useful in riding herd on management/employee relations.
“We have also found a way to preserve use of the ‘forty days and forty nights’ thing to address state mandatory overtime regulations,” Walker spiritual aide de camp former Sen. Dan Kapanke noted.
All mention of concubines will remain in the Good Book for now, in case Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain achieves the political equivalent of break dancing on the Sea of Galilee and actually wins the presidency.
The governor’s office reports work continues to scour unfriendly anti-business teachings from the Bible. All talk of dividing loaves and fishes have been eliminated. From now on, Walker noted, “If you don’t have a loaf or a fish, tough.”
The touchy matter of crucifixion has yet to be resolved, however, aides report.
“We’ll have to see how this recall thing turns out,” Walker said.