NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – Today, former Senator Rick Santorum issued the following letter to the American people.
Dear American People:
When I think about government-mandated healthcare, I have the same response that any mature adult would have: it makes me want to throw up.
That’s why, on my first day as President, I will repeal ObamaCare. Well, actually, on my very first day I’m going to repeal the Renaissance. And also the theory of evolution. But I will definitely get rid of ObamaCare by Day Three, Four at the latest.
You see, ObamaCare runs counter to my well-documented position on personal freedom: I believe in the rights of the unborn child, until it’s born and wants a checkup.
What will take the place of ObamaCare? As your President, I will institute SantorumCare™, a healthcare plan that will cover absolutely no medical procedures whatsoever except one: exorcism.
For many years, possession by the devil has been America’s number one health problem, far more serious than those posed by cigarette manufacturers who have funneled millions to my PACs. You don’t have to take Rick Santorum’s word for it that America is in the grips of a devil-possession epidemic: just watch any episode of “Jersey Shore.”
You’re probably saying to yourself, “Government-mandated exorcisms are a great idea, Rick. But how will we find the devil babies to exorcise?” Good question, and I have a good answer: on my first day as President, I will order mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds for every woman in America.
These ultrasounds will be a prerequisite to getting a driver’s license at the DMV, where there’s plenty of downtime for such a procedure. Additionally, they can be easily and safely performed by TSA employees on the airport security line. If an ultrasound turns up any telltale signs of a devil baby (e.g. horns or tail) we’ll schedule the woman for her government-mandated exorcism there and then.
I hope after reviewing SantorumCare™, you’ll agree that it’s the best healthcare plan out there for you and your family. But just in case you’re not sold yet, maybe this will seal the deal: leeches are 100% covered.
Vote for me,